Second First Time
by daughtersofthesun
Summary: I open my mouth to say something — although what, I'm not entirely sure — but she stops me with a single sentence that cuts me in half, right down the middle. "Brandon, Liam took something from me that should've belonged to you." Brallie. Oneshot.


**Summary: **I open my mouth to say something — although what, I'm not entirely sure — but she stops me with a single sentence that cuts me in half, right down the middle. "Brandon, Liam took something from me that should've belonged to you." Brallie. Oneshot.

**Setting: **Takes place directly after 1.18. Assuming that Zac and Mariana stayed friends, and pretending that Callie didn't go to see her Dad until the next episode.

**Disclaimer:** If I had anything to do with "The Fosters" I wouldn't be writing fanfiction, would I?

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**Second First Time**

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I turn the key in the lock, push myself through the door, and shut it behind me. I take a swift look around, scanning the area wall-to-wall. Nothing has changed. I still hate this place.

No. That's not really fair. I don't hate it. Not completely. It is kind of a sanctuary, in fact. A solace. A resting spot away from all the things that bring me pain. A home away from home.

But that's just it. It's not home.

Home is the house I grew up in. The house I've always lived in. I took my first steps there, marked my first growth chart on the doorframe there, lost my first teeth there, learned to ride my first bike there, practiced for my first piano lessons there, had my first "date" there, my first kiss, my first love. And my second love. Even when Dad left and Lena replaced him, and even when the twins joined us, in that house I remained.

But I can't be there now. And I don't know how long it will be before I can convince myself (or let Moms convince me) to return.

Because if I do, I will hurt her. I will ruin her chances of a family. All because I'm a perverted and hormonal teenage boy who can't control his urges. But then, it wasn't just me, was it? And it wasn't just urges, was it? And it wasn't just all in my head, was it?

She'd said she loved me.

And so I'd broken up with her.

But I did it for her. For her own good. And for Jude — who, despite the fact that I will _never_ be able to see Callie as my sister — is already my little brother.

I've just sat my bookbag down on the floor beside my bed when there's a knock at the door. It's only four pm. Dad won't be home yet as he's been working the night shifts to "re-earn his keep" after the whole Ana and her boyfriend-who-shoots-at-cops scandal. I smirk to myself as I remember what I did, how I saved my dad and my mom. Bribing her with a little cash. The answer was so simple.

The knocking comes again. It had better not be Dani. I know I should be grateful for what she did for me, loaning me all that money, and I am, really. But I'm sorry to admit that even though I know she did what she did to get me on her side, I still don't like her very much. Although, apparently my dad had the bright idea to give her a key, so I don't know why she'd be knocking anyway. If it's her at the door, I'll go lie down and pretend I'm not here.

A third series of knocks. I take a few steps to the door. _"Who the hell is it?" _I want to ask. But I don't. I'm really not in the mood for Girl Scout cookies.

And she answers anyway. "Brandon. Open up. I know you're in there."

An angel. The voice of an angel.

My heart leaps from my chest and I can't get the door opened fast enough. I don't know how she got here or where Moms think she is or what lie she told them in order to get here. I didn't even know she knew where my dad lived. But she is here now, and that is all that matters.

She stands on the other side of the door, a nervous grin on her lips, and I am jealous of it, and I wish my lips were the only thing on them. She wears a pair of jeans and the same green shirt she came to us in, which brings back a flood of memories — skipping class, the bus ride to her foster dad's, rescuing Jude. Her hair is straight today and in a ponytail at the top of her head; it flaps as she tilts her head at me. "Aren't you gonna let me in?"

_Yes; of course; always._

I step aside and she walks into my new living quarters. She looks around to see white walls void of pictures of me growing up through the years, a piano smashed against a wall like it doesn't belong there, like it was added as an afterthought. "So, this is Mike's," she muses.

"Yep," I answer, my eyes never leaving her small frame. I just want to grab her by the waist and push her up against the wall and have my way with her. But instead I just watch her.

She still has her bookbag slung over one shoulder. Did she come here straight from school? She reads my mind. "I took a bus after school," she says.

"And where do Moms think you are?" I asked, half amused.

She grins as if she is proud of herself for getting away with being here thus far. "The library with Mariana."

"And where is Mariana?"

Her grin grows wider. "At the library with me, of course."

I lift my brows at her. I'm worried, but I can't help the smirk that crawls onto my lips. Her smile is contagious.

She answers the question my eyebrows deliver. "She's at a movie with Zac, I think. I don't think she thought Stef and Lena would've let her go after the whole Chase panties incident. Even though she and Zac are" — she makes air quotes with her fingers — "just friends."

I feel my face redden. That's my little sister she's talking about! "What?!"

"Yeah," she laughs as if it's no big deal. "That night at the cast party? She slid off her underwear and put them in Chase's pocket. She was just trying to be flirty, I think, but she kind of gave him the wrong idea."

"Where the hell would she get a stupid idea like that?!" And that's when Callie looks away from me, to the floor, to her shoes, and that's when I remember. A party last year. Me. Talya. "Oh. Sorry."

And she's back again, a playful smack to my arm. "When are you gonna learn to stop apologizing for things that aren't your fault?"

I laugh. "Sorry."

She gives me a look as if to say, _"Really, Brandon? Really?"_

"Sorry!" I say again, on purpose this time. "I guess that's just what I get for moving out. I have no idea what's going on with my brothers and sisters."

And then her expression turns to one of guilt. "Speaking of your brothers and sisters... That's kinda what I'm here to talk to you about."

Now I'm worried. What could be going on with my siblings that is so important that Callie couldn't just talk to me about at school, but is so controversial that Callie has to go behind my moms' backs to tell me? "Callie... What's going on?"

The guilty look only grows worse. "Do you wanna sit down? We should sit down."

No, I don't really want to sit down. I want her to tell me what the heck is going on, and I want her to tell me right this second. But I lead her over to the couch anyway.

She hesitates, but is prompted to go on by a look of impatience from me. "So, you know what happened between Liam and I, right?"

I nod. What does this have to do with Jesus or Mariana or Jude, even? "Right..."

"You remember... _everything_ he did?"

Yeah, and I can feel the bile rising in my throat. I force it down with a hard swallow.

"So, because of him, I'll never have real first time. Because he took it from me."

I shake my head and try to keep up. "Callie, I'm so lost..."

"And I know you gave Jesus your key so he could come here with Lexi after the match."

The gears' teeth grind together in my brain as I realize what she's insinuating, and my face goes all hot again. "Callie, we can't..."

She cuts me off although I didn't even have a proper finish to that sentence. "Before you say no, just hear me out, okay?"

She turns to face me, the brown leather squeaking beneath her. I nod.

"Me and you..." She stops. Takes a breath. Continues. "Me and you, we're not always gonna feel this way forever. We're gonna grow up; we're gonna graduate; we're gonna move away; we're gonna fall in love again. We're gonna get married and have families. But right now, I know how I feel about you. And I know it's wrong, and I know we're trying so hard to get past it, but I can't help thinking that I'm missing my chance. My chance to... to get it right."

I open my mouth to say something — although what, I'm not entirely sure — but she stops me with a single sentence that cuts me in half, right down the middle.

"Brandon, Liam took something from me that should've belonged to you."

How come that when I'm hearing, for the first time, the single greatest news I have ever heard in my measly little life, the only word I can get to make any sense in my mind, repeating itself over and over, is _'no'_?

"And the only reason I'm asking you this now is because Stef and Lena are moving forward with the adoption. My dad agreed to sign over his legal parental rights to the lawyer today. And it's not like I'm gonna take your same last name, or anything... but, it's like, I might as well have, you know? Because we're gonna be siblings. We're gonna be brother and sister. And none of this will be even a remote possibility come then. And because right now, this isn't, strictly speaking, illegal yet."

The world goes black. I know I have closed my eyes. My equilibrium is off. The world sways from side to side. I can feel myself shaking my head. "But we've come so far... We're so close to getting past it..."

And then I feel her hands on mine, small and warm and they feel like home. I open my eyes, and hers are boring into mine. "Are we really, though?"

We're not.

"Regardless of what does or doesn't happen between us, Brandon, one day, I'll have my second first time. A real one. That's inevitable." She sighs, and I can feel it in my own body. "But I never want to go through life wondering _'what if'_... What if I had showed you how much I loved you when I'd had the chance?"

Love. She keeps saying that word. And I know she means it. I know, because I can feel it too. Every day when I pass her in the halls, we feign indifference, but I can feel the frenetic energy that bounces between us. We're bursting at the seams, Callie and I. Our insides are constantly reaching for each other, but they are held back by our physical bodies.

"Why?" I ask her. "Why now?"

She chuckles. "You're like a boomerang, you know that? Every time I convince myself that you're gone; we're done; I'm over you... you come right back." She squeezes my hands tighter, and her voice comes out softer this time. "You stole money from your dad, Brandon? To give to me? So I'd have everything I needed when I was going to do the assisted living program? Why would you do that?"

I don't even have to think about what my answer is going to be. "Because I love you."

She nods. "And that. That's why I'm here."

And I realize now that she'd been right. Her second first time _is_ inevitable. Because her second first time is right now.

I make an impulsive decision and lean into her, taking her face in my hands in one swift movement, and pressing my mouth to hers. She opens up to me at once, like a flower in bloom. And, before I know it, she's on top of me, her fingers tangled in my hair, her lips smiling against mine, pressing into me. My hands make fists of themselves and grab at her shirt, her belt loops, her bare hips. Her hands slide beneath my tee, and her fingers climb up my torso; her nails claw lightly at my skin. And unlike previously when all I'd been able to think was no, now all my mind is screaming is_ "Yes; yes; I love you."_

I love her. And that's why I have to let her go.

She's smiling as she pulls away. I don't even want to think about what her plans were to do next, because then I might lose my nerve. She reaches for me again, and I stop her. "Dani should be home any minute now."

The corners of her mouth sink and her eyes well up with tears instantly that she tries to hide by looking away. She nods and climbs off of me and picks up her bookbag from where she'd dropped it on the floor. She loops her shoulder through it and stands before me, finally looking me in the eyes, and I hate myself.

"I can't believe I thought you felt the same way," she says, and then she turns for the door.

I pull my shirt down and hang my head in my hands. I don't even try to stop her. It takes all my energy just to stay put and let her leave the same way she came. "Don't be stupid, Callie," I say, barely above a whisper. "You know that I do."

"I'm not a child, Brandon!" she all but yells from across the room, not giving up her fight, never giving up her fight. She knows I want to... It's obvious that I want to; I've always wanted to... But I can't do this to her. Not after everything. Not now.

"You wouldn't be doing anything to me that hasn't already been done."

I think of Liam again and I can't believe what I'm hearing. I mash my teeth together and force my next words out through them. "How dare you compare me to that slimeball."

"I'm not comparing you!" she yells. "He took it from me forcefully. I'm trying to give it to you willingly!"

I sigh, long and hard, clenching fistfulls of my own hair. "It's not right. We could get in so much trouble..."

"I'm the juvie girl, remember? I'm literally risking my probation and your moms' trust in me by coming here, right when I'm just starting to earn it back. I'm used to a little trouble. I can handle it. _We_ can handle it."

I look up at her, and, as usual, she is standing tall, completely unharmed, and I am broken. She is so strong. I am so weak. Since when is she the irrational one of the two of us? And if she's trying to be the impulsive one for once, then why am I fighting it?

"Sex will only make things complicated."

"Things are already complicated."

I smile. I am no match for her. "I love you," I say.

"So be my second first time," she answers. And it's not a command or a bargain or a challenge. It is a plea.

So I stand up. And I walk over to her.

She drops her bag, but she's not smiling now. She's nervous. "Are you sure this is what you want?" I ask. I am not Liam. I will never be Liam.

I watch as her Adam's apple rises and falls, and she nods once. I reach out and take her hands in mine. I pull them to my stomach and slide them beneath my tee once more, pulling them all the way up to my chest so my shirt comes up with them. I reach behind my shoulders and tug my shirt off from the back of my neck, all the while her hands still on me. She watches me wide-eyed. I know she can feel the unsteady pounding of my heart beneath my chest, beneath her palms.

I toss my shirt to the floor and put a hand to her face and lift her chin so that her eyes meet mine. "How 'bout now? You still sure?"

She inhales a shaky breath. "I didn't come all this way to just watch you take your clothes off," she says with an almost unnoticeable smirk. "I wish you would just shut up and kiss me."

So I take a step closer. And she wraps her arms around my waist and pulls me to her. And I do.


End file.
